Thursday, March 3, 2011

An Unfortunate Conversation with Asher

"Seriously?"

I glanced up to find Asher in front of me, single eyebrow arched upward; annoyance and disgust clear on his face. "What?"

He shook his head and paced away. "I can't believe you."

"What's your childhood trauma, anyway?"

"Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for you to finish my damn story?"

Sighing, I rubbed my hand across my eyes, wishing he'd go away. "Look, I know it's been a while."

"Micah's story came out in March of 2007. You promised me then that you'd tell my story. It's now March of 2011."

I shifted in my seat, uncomfortable with the direction this conversation was taking. "I've been working on it."

"Really?" He stared pointedly at the iPhone in my hand. "Because it looks like you've been playing phone Scrabble with Brynn. Again." He stepped closer. "And losing epically, I see."

"Tell me about it. Her husband is beating me, too."

He sat down in the antique chair across from me, long legs spread out in front of him, his body too big for the delicate wooden frame. "It's not like you don't have people asking for it. The lovely Dakota Rebel, for instance. She's asked on more than once occasion. And I've seen the reader mail."

I twisted the ring around my thumb, resisting the urge to take it off and peg him in the forehead with it. "It's complicated."

"You know what's complicated?" he asked, pushing himself from the chair. "Having finally found the woman of my dreams and having a hard-on for two and a half years and not being able to do anything about it because you refuse to open the bloody document. That's complicated. I've seen those commercials, I know they're not supposed to last longer than four hours. Of course, I am a romance novel hero, so a little longer is expected, but come on, woman! Two and a half years? I think you're trying to kill me."

"But I--"

"But nothing. And now? Now when you finally start writing our story again, you sink the ship we're on, and--"

"Hey now, that was at my editor's suggestion. And frankly, it's the best bit of editorial advice I've gotten in ages. It totally moved the stalled plot forward."

"You tried to drown us!"

"Did not!"

Asher dragged his hands through his hair and narrowed his eyes, looking for all the world like he wanted to strangle me.

"You. Sank. The. Ship. We. Were. On."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. "And?"

"At night. Not knowing if we could swim. You separated us. I was terrified you'd killed Neeve. You did kill some of those sailors."

"Weeeeeell, they were really more plot device than characters, though."

"They were--I--you..." He stared at me for several long moments. Somehow, I managed to hold his gaze. "I'm sure that will bring lots of comfort to their loved ones," he finally snapped.

I put down my phone and stood to face him. "If I promise to get your book finished in the next couple of weeks, will you please go away?"

"I've heard that before." He crossed his arms over his chest.

"You're not my only character, you know. I do have a job to do." I knew I was sounding pissy, but I didn't particularly care.

"Fine. I want my HE-effing-A by the end of the month. No excuses. Or next time I'll come back with reinforcements. I'm thinking Aidan, Tamsyn, Devon, that one poor bastard whose name you keep changing, oh, and the families of the dead plot devices."

"Guh! All right already. I'm on it. Just go away so I can think!"

"Don't even think about trying to play another word with Brynn. You've got all vowels, anyway."

"Asshole," I muttered under my breath.

"I heard that. Now, get writing."

20 comments:

Dakota Rebel said...

LMAO. That was awesome! "I've seen the commercials." I laughed out loud and everyone at work thinks I'm crazy...er than they already did.

I love you
And I love Asher and I am TOTALLY on his side.

XoXoXo
D

Julia Rachel Barrett said...

Very fun, Bron! Maybe expand this into a full-length book with you as our heroine?

Leslie said...

Damn scary, funny, but scary. Sooo, have you sat down and opened the document? Can't wait.

Tessie Bradford said...

Hysterical, Bron!

Cinderella said...

Only you Bron taking the talking to yourself to a whole new and improved level! Love it darling. Cynthia

Temple Hogan said...

I loved it and now I want to read about Asher. God, I could see his bones and senew and muscle and that other part of him that the poor man has been suffering with for these past two years. I'm with him. get writing! In the meantime I'm going to comfort myself by reading some of your older books!!! Temple Hogan

Molly Daniels said...

ROFL! LOVE it:)

Donna said...

Well Honey, I think he is going to hold you to it. Not that! I meant the story deadline promise. Although...

Should you need someone to read along chapter by chapter (just to be sure you are staying on target, of course) you have my e-mail address!

Hugs,
Donna

Suzanne Graham said...

Fantastic, Chickie!

"I know they're not supposed to last longer than four hours." Hysterical!

And plot devices!! Ha, ha!

Thanks for my daily dose of Bron!

Luv ya!
Suz

Brynn Paulin said...

Obviously Asher does Math as well as you do. March 2007 to March 2011 is four years not 2 1/2.

Jess Jarman said...

LMAO I think you'd better get to gettin' girl.

@Brynn...I scratched my head over the math a bit too. ;-)

Mia Watts said...

So did I!!! LOLOL. Clearly, he takes after his creator. Like Dakota, I'm soooo on his side. I've been begging you for this story and I'm none too please to wait.

Asher, baby, c'mere and dry off.

Dakota Rebel said...

I am so freakin' bad at math I never even questioned it. lol

Susilien said...

Taking a not so quick lunch break from grading Midterms has never been so entertaining.

I too didn't notice the math? Should I hand in my diplomas? Oh that's right, I'm an English Prof, I don't need math!

Now speaking of LONG overdue books that I want to read.....We've talked about the need for my Nook to be filled with this book already haven't we??? I think I have been incredibly patient.

Love ya,
Susie B.

Christine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bronwyn Green said...

@ Dakota - I'm so glad you were amused. I definitely had you in mind when I wrote it.

@ Julia - Oh trust me, Asher's got his heroine and I think there would be hell to pay (particularly from Dakota) if I changed that now! :)

@ Leslie - Hey girl! The document is definitely open and even being worked on!

@ Tessie - Thanks hon! :D

@ Cinderella - LOL! Thanks!

@ Donna - LOL! You're naughty today! I definitely have your address, lady!

@ Suz - I'm glad you were amused by the plot devices. Now I keep giggling about dead sailors. I'm a bad person...

@ Brynn - WOW - that's some epic math fail. Even for me - LOL! Perhaps it's the long term lack of blood to his brain...

@ Jess - Now I have math fail *and* math shame. ;)

@ Mia - Soon, Mia. Soon.

@ Dakota - Thank you, honey. I feel a little better. :D

@ Susie - You have been incredibly patient. I'm hoping you'll have it in a couple months. :)

jrpatrick said...

LMAO!

Lisabet Sarai said...

Oh, Bron! This is priceless!

"Weeeeeell, they were really more plot device than characters, though."

That one came back to bite, didn't it!

Hugs,
Lisabet

Devon Rhodes said...

OMFG. Oh man, I hope he doesn't talk to the guys in my wip folder. I'd be in some serious ____. And I can't believe you were so callous about the plot devices. You know how sensitive he is... And he and your muse are on a first-name basis you know.

Jaime Samms said...

LOL *snort* That's only so funny because I'd put money on the fact that I know he's got cohorts on my own hard drive... lol!

Jaime