If I were to invent a holiday, it would be a very proper sort of affair. You know, with everyone in fancy frilly collars, and lots of doilies on everything. The drink of choice would be something classy, like sherry, and once the elegant meal of pheasant had been digested, we would all adjourn to something nice sounding, like a parlour. Maybe to play something dignified, like Bridge or Backgammon. Even though I don't know how to play either of those two things, and always imagine that you need a shitload of maths knowledge to even get close to winning them.
But even so, that's definitely the holiday for me. Because I am dignified and also totally sane, and I do normal things all the time, like drink tea and make polite chit-chat. I almost never talk about naked men. Almost never. In fact, I don't even particular like coc-
LOL okay. By this point, most of you probably know that I'm talking out of my bumhole. And even if you don't, you're probably getting some clue just from the sheer weight of my insanity, pressing on the internet and forcing its way into you through osmosis.
Because let's be honest, here. We all understand that my invented holiday would be called something like "Cockfest 3000". Or maybe "Brandon Routh and Armie Hammer Day". Or if I'm really lucky, both of those things crossing in some sort of winter solstice stone henge aligning sort of event, so that all the Armie Hammers and the Brandon Rouths end up naked in a city square somewhere, festooned with ribbons and filled with beer.
Which is, of course, how I imagine Cockfest 3000 would look. And if said look is a little bit like how people imagine a gay German sex club might appear on a Saturday night, well, that's okay. I never said my holiday had to be original. Or even heterosexual.
I just said it had to have a lot of naked Armie Hammers and Brandon Rouths in it. And if I've no idea why there are plurals of both those two men, well, I don't care about that, either. It's my holiday, dammit! I can do what I like!
And what I'd like to do is Brandon Routh and Armie Hammer. Or at the very least, I'd like a big beer that doesn't taste like beer at all, and maybe one of them giant sausages covered in cabbage, and then I'd like to watch them doing each other.
Is that so much to ask? Why isn't this holiday real, for God's sake? I mean, just think of some of the holidays we do have: May Day, for instance.
Seriously? That's the best the committee for inventing holidays could come up with? A celebration of it being a different month to April? That sucks so hard it blows. It's like when the vacuum cleaner gives up and starts working backwards. No one wants a holiday called "Some Month Day", so for God's sake:
Give me my Hammering Routh day.
Is that really too much to ask?